6.28.2010

To my First Born

As I ponder over the last 12 months, I wonder to myself. Have I made the most of our time together thus far? Did I savour the little cries that served as evidence of your helpless need for my care? Did I look deeply into your shiney hope filled eyes and try to catch a glimpse of the heaven you so freshly departed from? Did I sing to you and rock you slowly in hopes to begin to impress our eternal friendship and bond? Did I hold you close in order to feel of your warmth and Godly spirit? Did I burn an audio memory of your first giggles, and the first time you said Mama? What about the first time you smiled? Did I store the image away never to be forgotten? Have I watched you sleep? Have I kissed your cheeks? My answer to all of these questions is simply that I have done my very best. I can offer you a promise, that I will always do my very best. How is it that you can make me feel so completely inadequate and yet more completely fulfilled than I have ever felt?

I can hardly comprehend how fast the time has gone since you've come into my life. Just a short year ago you were sent to our family and changed my life forever. This is what I wrote about the day you were born a few short weeks after your birth: "When he came out he was screaming at the top of his lungs, and it was so comforting to know that his tiny lungs were working. The nurse laid him on my chest, and as he screamed, I joined him with quite a few tears of my own. I felt like I had honestly waited my whole life for that very moment. My new son grabbed on to my index finger and held on to it so tightly. I truly felt like he knew who I was. When I caught a glimpse at the nurse she was shedding tears as well. I will absolutely never forget that moment in time, and how much our Heavenly Father must love us to trust us with his babies."


This last year has been the hardest and absolute best year of my life so far. Hard because I have never been so worried sick and felt the laden weight of responsibility for someone I love more than life. Exhilerating because I have never felt so much joy through just a smile, look, or guesture. Fulfilling because I have never felt so complete and my life has never had more purpose.

They should really do some sort of "heart stretching" preperation before they send babies into the world. When you came into my life, it was as if my heart had to stretched a trillion times in order to facilitate the increase in my capacity to love.

I have loved every minute of my time spent with you over the last year. Some of my favorite memories include the time you cried and cried at bedtime until you had both parents tending to you in your bedroom. Once you acheived your goal, you smiled as big as you could and let out a playful giggle. The first time you looked in my eyes and smiled at me. The times you hug me and lay on my shoulder when I get you out of your crib in the morning. The time I picked you up after a hard day at work and you crawled anxiously to me, only to give me a dozen slobbery, baby kisses. The time we laughed SO hard over nothing while eating breakfast. The time I watched you pull something towards you for the first time and I was in awe of your swift development. The times you twirled your fingers through my hair while nursing. The first time you saw a picture of Jesus.



You have been a light when things are dim, a strength when I have felt weak, and the definition of my happiness. I want you to know, on this your first birthday, that I love you with everything I am, and I would truly give my life for you. I am so lucky blessed to be your mama.

















Happy Birthday my baby boy.


14 comments:

Kate said...

Beautiful post!

Green Acres in the City said...

What a beautiful post! He is so cute and Happy Birth Day to you Mama!

Amy R. Nelson said...

What a cutie he is! He's a keeper!

Kristina P. said...

I just want to eat him right up!

Jessica Hills said...

What a sweet post! I feel the same in so many ways.

Kelly said...

This post made me tear up!

www.kellyloves.wordpress.com

meredith* said...

just two weeks until the same day arrives for me. I'm so glad (now) that he was a week late so i get to keep him a baby that much longer! what a great post. being a mom is seriously the best thing ever!

greenhornet said...

My Sarah when you were born I felt just the same as a matter of fact when we knew your brother was coming to us I felt sorry for him because i did not believe that I could love another human being as mush as I loved you. You were at the time my greatest love. When your brother was born I learned something wonderful about the nature of love. The moment he was born I loved him just as much as I loved you and I realized that love is not a finite quantity that we only have so much to give it is infinite and the more we love the greater our capacity to love grows. It is to use your words that "heart stretcher". I know God because I know love. I love you my child more than my own soul. I love your son as if he were mine. I love Travis as if he were a part of me. Remember when we use to talk about the day you would understand how much I love you I think that day has arrived.

Dad

greenhornet said...
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greenhornet said...
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Shay said...

oh this makes me feel like my baby is going to be walking & talking in no time..{tear}
You said it perfectly when you said that our babies make us fill completely inadequate yet totally fulfilled at the same time: beautiful.
I will never forget when Scout first saw a picture of Jesus; she knew just who he was.
& your dad's comment on hear is so sweet.

Serene is my name, not my life! said...

Okay, NOT helping my baby hungryness any!!

He's SOO cute!

Jenni M. said...

Just love the scrunchy face picture. I love when those little personalities show themselves!

Heather said...

he is so adorable - the first year is so precious and so quick. i enjoyed reading your post :)